Jeffrey "Milo" Goodale

  ~ published in 2006

My special, and very loved brother,

Kyle Roman Goodale.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you:
And when you pass through the rivers, they will
Not sweep over you. 
When you walk through the fire,
You will not be burned, 
The flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, Your God.

The Holy One of Israel, Your Savior."


Isaiah 43: 2-3

"If we really want to love we
must learn how to forgive."

- Mother Teresa

One day, when to everyone else
You are but a distant memory,
I will remember
You.

Your life 
And
Your love

For life and love
Are the precious gifts
You
Gave to me.


Loving you always,

mom

We invite you to light a candle or
to share any memories you may
have of Milo. 

Every memory becomes a
treasure for us.

Milo was an extraordinary son. 
 
He had a brilliant mind, a beautiful smile and a heart of gold.
    He laughed a lot and made us laugh.
No one who met Milo was ever left unimpressed or unaffected.

Milo lived his life with endless passion and excitement.
 Life to him was one long concert, full of 
leaps and bounds and noise and lights 
and music.

He loved his family, his friends, his music, and was
 passionate about working out and staying physically fit. 

Milo was always very generous.

 Whenever he had money 
in his pocket he was quick to
 help anyone in need.




Jim, Milo's stepdad, said that,

" Milo was a stranger to this earth."

Never was this more apparent than on the
 day he died.
Going through his apartment that day we all noticed
what few possessions he had.

 But what he did have was telling;

He had a Bible, a picture of Jesus, a few
 self help books, and a picture that little Matthew had drawn 
for him, of the two of them 
" holding hands."

When I look at Milo's photographs, 
 I still cannot believe
 that all that life and love has vanished.
But what I do know is that if love alone could 
have kept him alive,
 he never would have died.




Milo was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,

and A.D.D.

We knew he had problems with
A.D.D., but his clinical diagnosis

of Bipolar Disorder came
within just a few months
preceding his death.

It came as no surprise.

 Milo battled with
depression for many, many years. 

We tried unsuccessfully
to get him the help he needed,
but he was resistant,
 feeling that it was

something
he should handle on his own.

Five months before he died he
began seeing a psychiatrist.

Because he had no insurance he fell into
the hands of our system which was already
 overworked and
understaffed,
resulting in a lack
of personal interest.

The doctor put Milo on a new medication
  just weeks before he died.
He wasn't adjusting
to it with ease.

I left several messages with the doctor's office,
 but never 
received a return phone from his doctor
 until it was too late.

His death was ruled an accidental suicide
 from
morphine poisoning.  

It was my medication, which riddled me with

guilt, until

I truly found

Jesus Christ

 as my

 Lord & Savior.

 




It says in the Bible that we are to be grateful

"In All things."

So, we have thanked God for taking Milo

Home when He did. 

  With the downward spiral he was

on, he could have died

a horrible death.






Milo didn't make friends easily,
but there
wasn't anything in the world that he
wouldn't do for his friends.

His friends
have told me that he was considerate, compassionate,
honest,thoughtful, selfless,
 hard-working, fiercely funny, and extremely
loyal. 

They have also confided that they were
aware of his mood swings, but that it
never changed their relationships
with him in any way.




Milo attended El Dorado High School, then 
went on to Chapparral High School where he 
graduated in 1993 with a 4.0 average.

His favorite sport was basketball, but he also played baseball, 
football, track, wrestling, boxing, and other sports.  

He excelled in any sport he chose to play
and won many trophies.

He loved competition, but not until his first wrestling match
 when he was losing and wanted to quit.

He was 13 at the time.

I told him, 
"NO, you are NOT quitting!
Just get mad and go kick his butt!!"

He DID!!




In 1992 he came in
 2nd place in

 The State of Nevada
Wrestling Championships.




Milo was Methodist by faith.

He was baptized and received Christ on the same

 day his step-dad 
walked up to the front of the church to be baptized. 

Milo, unexpectedly, followed in his footsteps.




He pursued a career in Physical Fitness and
became an A. C. E. Certified Physical Fitness Trainer,
 fulfilling one of his biggest dreams.

He helped many people lose weight and get
back into shape, and was pleased that he

was instrumental in helping them
achieve their personal goals.


Milo was passionate about nutrition and
  eating a well balanced diet.

  On his birthdays
he would usually request a fruit bowl
rather than the traditional birthday cake.
 



Milo became a carpenter and learned the
 trade from "the best," his father, Jeff.

They built custom homes, duplexes,
 condominiums and apartment
buildings.

  No job was ever too hard or too big for them.

Often, Milo's little brother, Kyle, assisted

them while learning the trade.





Shortly after Milo got out of high school
he applied for a position with the
Police Academy in
Las Vegas. 

He studied mounds of material and
felt confidant about passing the 
required tests,
which included a written test, 
an oral test, a psychological profile,
 and a physical endurance test.

When Milo called to see if he had
been accepted, he was told 
that there had been one question
 on the psychological profile,
but that he had passed all of the other
tests with flying colors, and he was
congratulated on his outstanding scores.

Milo was the "top runner" on the mile lap. 

 When he finished running the course, he sat down to
watch the remaining runners compete.

One of the last, an exhausted young lady, was having 
trouble finishing the course.

  Milo abruptly
jumped up from his seat, ran out
 onto the field, and began running next to her,
encouraging her to complete her final lap.

The impact of this unselfish act motivated
the girl to complete the run, in an acceptable 
time frame, and got her a
position in the academy.


And that is how Milo always was;


Selfless, giving, and very thoughtful of others.




I want Milo's Memory to live on forever.


I want people to rememember him, 
to know him,
 to love him, 
to know
 how 
important he was 
to us.


  I want them to know what an extraordinary

 person he was ~
 How much he laughed, and how much

 joy he brought us.


I think one of Milo's greatest
 gifts to me was one of 
healing.


 In losing so much when I lost him,

 I faced 
my own worst fears and greatest demons.

I cannot escape the pain, 
or the loss,
or the sad memories,
or the fact that I miss him so 
unbearably 
at times.

But I"m learning to live with it, 

as we all do,

One day at a time.




Milo left each of us something.

A gift, a dream, a memory, 

A little more courage than we had before.


In my heart, Milo isn't gone.

He still dances on, as dazzling as ever, 

smiling and joking and laughing.

"Ask, and it will be given you;
Seek, and you shall find;
knock, and it shall be
opened unto you."

 Gracious thanks to Laurri Lowe, mother of

Rosie Lowe,

( www.rosie-lowe.memory-of.com )

  a five mile hike was

 coordinated this past summer

(2007)

to bring more awareness to suicide,  and to the

 devastating effects that are left

 on the broken shoulders of the survivors.

We kept you All covered in prayer

on that incredible day. 
Happy it went so well.

  Thank you so much for remembering

Milo & carrying his name.

  You guys are a God-send.  

On behalf of those who have lost

a loved one to

SUICIDE, please keep the survivors in your prayers,

and make it a point to check on them regularly.

 

 

 It is amazing how quickly a

depressed person can heal IF they know

they have friends that will be there if they need

anything. 

More often, it's the simple phone calls to say, "I really care.  How are you doing today? I AM here if you NEED me. I love you. You are NOT alone."

Loved Ones' Suicide Survivors


All text copied from LOSS Website


The person who completes suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand ....WHY?

We are all “intertwined …. separate, yet together, alike, yet different. We are interwoven such that, together, we are more than we are apart. Each of us is desperately loved and needed by others. But love isn't enough! If it were, our loved ones would still be alive.

We are parents, spouses, siblings, children, relatives, lovers, partners, in-laws, companions, and friends of one who has completed suicide. We are “those left behind.” Victims of a tragedy that we could not foresee but feel responsibility for, and for which there is no closure.

We are angry about our loss and seek the ability to express our anger appropriately, whether at the one we have lost, at others who ignored or were negligent about our loved one’s health, or at ourselves. We struggle with guilt and blame.

We have a right to grieve in a manner and time frame that works best for us. We don’t have to “get over it” or “move on.” The intensity of our loss remains constant, the frequency of intense feelings does lessen over time.

We face together the cruel reality that others will remember our loved ones, not for their life and how they lived it, but for their death and how it came to be.

We are Loved Ones’ Suicide Survivors (LOSS). We suffer an especially acute, long, and painful grief. Our needs are not well understood. Our grief is complex, overwhelming and disabling. Death is a normal life crisis – suicide is an abnormal life crisis.

We grieve, but we need not grieve alone.


www.healingafterloss.org

To The Living

To the living, I am gone;
To the sorrowful, I will never return;
To the angry, I was cheated;
but to the happy, I am at peace,
and to the faithful I have never left.


I cannot speak, but I can listen;
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So, as you stand upon a shore gazing at the
beautiful sea,
Remember me.


As you look in awe at a mighty forest and feel its
grand majesty,
remember me.

Remember me in your heart,
your thoughts, and memories of the times we
cried,
the times we fought,
the times we laughed,
the times we loved.

For if you always think of me,
I will never be gone from your side.


- author unknown

When your light goes out upon this earth,

I'll look up to the sky;

It will twinkle there in a million stars,

Like it did here in your eyes.

And when your flame no longer burns,

To warm my every day;

I will bask in the warmth of your memory,

That will never go away..

Then when your laughter no longer rings,

I'll listen deep within;

For it will be the sweetest gift

"Twas left here by my son

And precious friend.

So rest in peace in the arms of God,

My precious, faithful son;

You'll be the joy of each memory

Long after your journey is done.

I love you, Milo,

 

"God's voice is the single candle in the dark world

 that will guide you to Him.

Let Him give us light."

 Our son died on his own battlefield.
He was killed in action fighting a civil war.

He fought against adversaries that were
as real to him as a casket is real to us.

They took toll of his energies and endurance. 
They exhausted the last vestiges
 of his courage and strength.

At last these adversaries overwhelmed him, and it appeared 
that he had lost the war.  

But did he?


I see a host of victories that he has won!

For one thing - - He has won our admiration .

Because even if he lost the war,
 We give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield.


And we give him credit for the
courage and pride and hope that he used
as weapons for as long as he could.


We shall remember not his death,
but his daily victories gained
through his kindness and 
thoughtfulness,
through his love
for family and friends,
for animals, children and music,
for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable.

We shall remember the many days
that he was victorious over overwhelming odds.


We shall remember not the years
we thought he had left,
but the intensity with whic he lived 
the years he had.


Only God knows
what this child of His
suffered in the silent skirmishes
that took place in his soul.


But our consolation is that
God does know and understands.


- written by Father Gene 

 

I dropped a tear into the ocean.

 

When you find it is when

I will stop missing

you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

My mom, 9 months pregnant
with me, Our Dad, Jeff, my sister,
Stacy , with  Baby Gabrielle.

February of 1975




Me and My dad  - doing tricks,

which he also did with my sister, Stacy,
when she was a baby.

People would stop just to

watch the show.

1976

 

 

                                  

At the zoo in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Me and mom,
Just three days in love.

Getting ready for another

wrestling tournament trip with Milo .

The Stars Are The Faces

Of Our Children

Smiling Down 

On us.




"Soft as a feather, your name
Touches my lips,
My mind, my heart.

Bittersweet 
Feelings of love
And loss fill me suddenly.

Joy, I've found at last
Is touched by sadness
And emptiness without you.

And yet, I live,
I breathe, and go
On as best I can.

Bravely, I dream
of conversations And Escapades,
Though now just Memories,
So real for a moment.

I cry for myself.
The helplessness is
terryifying and cruel.
The quiet thunders in my ears.

Memories of a smile,
A look, a laugh,
flood my mind until
I laugh and cry
For want of you.

Oh how I wish things
could be different,
If only for a moment more
With you.

I bless your name and God's,
For His love in letting me Know you
For our whole lifetime Together.

      

Milo's stepdad, Jim, was diagnosed with colorectal cancer just
five months after we lost Milo. Thanks to God, the cancer
stayed
encapsulated within the tumors during the next
two and a half years, at which time he received chemotherapy
and radiation.  

He came close to dying during the treatment ( July - 

September 2007 ), but has since

realized that God has plans for his life.

 

At the clinic where he see his primary care physician,
he is known as

"The Miracle Man."

He passed away on August 12th, 2008,

not from cancer, but from

an apparent heart attack.

Both chemo and radiation

treatments damage

the heart.

Forever missed & loved,

Your family

 

 

 

The Abyss

I was falling into the abyss

Of self destruction,

Consuming whatever

Would drowned out the reality

Of losing you.

Quietly you whispered to me

From the spirit world.

Your encouraging words

drifted into my consciousness,

And a new dawn began,

Like the sun emerging

After a storm.

My days are still cloudy at times,

But I am learning that

I can push the clouds away.

The sun can shine again

 

     copyright - m.k. williamson

My daughter's in her petticoat

Standing in the apple tree

While sending kisses up to God

She shakes the sugar tree

 She's just a tiny fragment

Of what she' will become one day

A kiss upon the windy sky

A blossom in the month of May.

   -copyright - M.K. Williamson






















Matthew, in front of Milo's studio apartment

Boerne, Tx. - 2007

My Grandson

You make me laugh

You've made me cry,

Watching you

I can't deny

I go back to my childhood

Where life was magic

Life was good.

We love to joke and play around

You're the juggler

I'm the clown

You juggle balls

I play with tops

We go to The Dollar Store

Where we love to shop.

I watch you grow

A little every day

You delight my senses

Inso many ways.


     copyright - m.k. williamson

 

 

 

 

 Jesus

Jesus had no servants,
Yet they called Him
Master.

He had no degree,
Yet they called Him
Teacher.

He had no medicines,
yet they called Him
Healer.

He had no army,
yet kings feared
Him.

He won no military battles,
yet He
conquered the world.

He committed no crime,
yet they
crucified
Him.

He was buried in a tomb,
yet
He lives today!

"We are each one of us angels with only one wing,
  And the only way we can fly is by
Embracing one
 Another.

     - author unknown

"In the night of death, hope sees a star,
and listening love can hear
the rustle of
a wing."

 

         

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -

Only that it meets us where we are,

but it does not leave us where it

finds us."

 

 

I miss you most of all, my darling, Milo,

when autumn leaves

start to

 fall.

 

A little boy

A little miss

Standing close enough

to kiss

He is four

She is five

From his feelings

He cannot hide

Just a kiss upon her cheek

She is shy

He feels weak

Suddenly, it is done

She's been kissed

By my precious son.

 

   - copyright - m.k. williamson

    

 

Her Baby's Face

The hand of the Almighty

Calms the raging sea

The watchful eye of the sheperd

Guards his flock of sheep

The silken lips of a mother

Caress her baby's face

And I will be delivered

By His amazing grace.

   copyright - m.k. williamson

 

 

 


My Aunt Joey, Uncle Harry,and my dad, Jim - 2003,

This picture was taken just after Dad got home from

the hospital after being in a coma for 10 days

with Septiciemia
He was not expected was not expected to recover.

Through the multitude of prayer, he did recover, just as he had recovered from a massive heart attack in 1995. 

 

 

 Weeping

When I was a child,

I wept like a child,

Summoning sad memories

I made the tears come,

For I knew crying would bring

My father's presence.

Now that I am an adult,

Let me weep like an adult-

Not for my own sake,

But for the sake of the hurting world.

For I know crying will bring

Our God's presence.

- kathy r. groves

 

Milo's watercolor portrait of our home

when he was in kindergarten

- 1980

 

 "God's voice is the single candle in the dark world

that will guide you to Him.

"Let Him give us light."
  

         ~unknown

 

 

 

 Mom & Dad @ our "Auto Shoppe" in Las Vegas, Nevada

 

 "Tears water our growth."

   

 - Shakespear

   

   

  
 
"Death is not the greatest loss in life.

The greatest loss is what dies inside

of us while we live."

"In the night of death hope sees a star,
and listening love can hear
the rustle of
a wing." 

 

 

 

Our sweet angel, Joana, sent to us from the

heavens above during "Our journey with

Jim's cancer."

 Thank you so much, Joana.

 "You give much & know not that you give at all."

 

I wish I could begin this morning by
sharing my memories and a

cup of coffee with you,
my sweet son.

Two parts French vanilla 
creamer, combined with
one part rich, mahogany colored coffee ,
 topped off with a tiny dollop of whipped cream.

I used to tease you about using
 too much creamer
In your coffee.
Now I make my coffee the 
same way 
you did, as I savor

all of my memories.

 

I remember you by heart, Milo

Your keen, passionate green eyes that commanded
attention, and then softened into pools
of warm honey when you felt
 understood.

The warmth of your precious
 smile,
beckoning me to share my thoughts
 and feelings,
or simply, to listen to yours.

I remember the long, lazy walks we took

together in

the forest with
my hand securely fastened into yours.

I remember you with every thought, 
every breath
 and 
every sigh.
 
I remember the exact moment you were born,
 and the disbelieving instant you were gone.

You left with no farewell;

Just the serenity of the moment, 
the soothing tranquility 
of your being,
 and the resplendent vision
of your soul 
embracing eternity.

The night preceding your death
was unforgettable and 
lingers in the corridors
of my mind.

Just you, me and papa.

We indulged ourselves with good food,
bubbling laughter, and
a love that flowed
effortlessly.

You smiled at me,
then winked, as if to say,

“You know
I love you, don't you, Mom?"

We went home to say the customary
goodnights
that became our final goodbye.

When you awoke Monday morning
you found yourself at home, 
where you belong,

"In the arms of Jesus."

I found you

Where you will always be -

In my heart, and just a breath away

 

 

 

 

Our handsome son-in-law, Jim, with Matthew.

 

 

 

 

 

 4th Grade photo

 

 

 

When Someone is Too Bruised to be Touched

- Pastor. Ron Rolheiser July 7, 2002 -


A few days ago, I was asked to visit a family who had, just that day, lost
their 19 year-old son to suicide.

There isn't much one can offer by way of consolation, even faith consolation,
at a moment like this, when everyone is in shock and the pain is so raw. Few
things can so devastate us as the suicide of a loved one, especially of one's
own child.

There is the horrific shock of losing a loved one so suddenly which, just of
itself, can bring us to our knees; but, with suicide, there are other
soul-wrenching feelings too, confusion, guilt, second-guessing, religious anxiety.

Where did we fail this person?
What might we still have done?
What should we have noticed?
What is this person's state with God?

What needs to be said about all of this:

First of all, that suicide is a disease and the most misunderstood of all
sicknesses. It takes a person out of life against his or her will, the emotional
equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack.

Second, we, those left behind, need not spend undue energy second-guessing as
to how we might have failed that person, what we should have noticed, and
what we might still have done to prevent the suicide.

Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and
still not be able to save that person from death.

God loved this person too and, like us, could not, this side of eternity, do
anything either.

Finally, we should not worry too much, about how God meets this person on the
other side. God's love, unlike ours, can go through locked doors and touch what
will not allow itself to be touched by us. 

Is this making light of suicide? Hardly. 

Anyone who has ever dealt with either the victim of a suicide before his or
her death or with those grieving that death afterwards knows that it is
impossible to make light of it.

There is no hell and there is no pain like the one suicide inflicts. Nobody
who is healthy wants to die and nobody who is healthy wants to burden his or
her loved ones with this kind of pain.

And that's the point: This is only done when someone isn't healthy.

The fact that medication can often prevent suicide should tell us something.
Suicide is an illness not a sin.

Nobody just calmly decides to commit suicide and burden his or her loved ones
with that death any more than anyone calmly decides to die of cancer and
cause pain. 

The victim of suicide (in all but rare cases) is a trapped person, caught up
in a fiery, private chaos that has its roots both in his or her emotions and
in his or her biochemistry. 

Suicide is a desperate attempt to end unendurable pain, akin to one throwing
oneself through a window because one's clothing is on fire. 

Many of us have known victims of suicide and we know too that in almost every
case that person was not full of ego, pride, haughtiness, and the desire to
hurt someone.

Generally, it is the opposite. 

The victim has cancerous problems precisely because he or she is wounded,
raw, and too bruised to have the necessary resiliency needed to deal with life.

Those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide know that the problem is not
one of strength but of weakness, the person is too-bruised to be touched.

I remember a comment I over-heard at a funeral for a suicide victim.

The priest had preached badly, hinting that this suicide was somehow the
man's own fault and that suicide was always the ultimate act of despair.

At the reception afterwards a neighbor of the victim expressed his
displeasure at the priest's homily: "There are a lot of people in this world who should
kill themselves," he lamented bitterly, "but those kind never do!

This man is the last person who should have killed himself because he was one
of the most sensitive people I've ever met!"
A book could be written on that statement. Too often it is precisely the meek
who seem to lose the battle, at least in this world.

Finally, I submit that we should not worry too much, about how God meets our
loved ones who have fallen victim to suicide. God, as Jesus assures us, has a
special affection for those of us who are too bruised and wounded to be touched.

Jesus assures us too that God's love can go through locked doors and into
broken places and free up what's paralyzed and help that which can no longer help
itself.

God is not blocked when we are - God can reach through.

And so our loved ones who have fallen victim to suicide are now inside of
God's embrace, enjoying a freedom they could never quite enjoy here and being
healed through a touch that they could never quite accept from us.